A Moment to Reflect

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Sirav laid there in the dark. The moon shed its light through the window, cascading gently onto the two figures in the bed. He looked over, seeing Irvan’s sleeping form, gently resting next to him. He couldn’t help but stare. He slowly pushed himself up, the blanket covering most of him still, the scars that covered his entire body, leaving pale, white lines against his lavender skin. Carefully, he brushed a stray strand out of Irvan’s face, his fingers caressing his cheek as he did. His gaze was soft, before he turned and looked out the window. His breath turned ragged as he placed that same hand over his heart.

‘What do you want?’

Irvan had asked and it still burned his mind, worse than any puzzle. What did he want? He had said freedom. He wasn’t lying. He wanted to be free of all of this. He could feel the stone under his skin, waiting, ready. An invisible leash that was only one chain of many. Even if it were removed, he could still be scried on, found, and brought back. The fear that raced through him as he imagined every detail, every moment that Ludinus would inflict of pain. Volstruckers were meant to turn off their hearts. He was supposed to; yet now, it hurt more than ever. He had tried, yet they were insistent. They were annoying, and brash, but that night he was drunk, this night with Irvan, was the most he had been allowed to actually live.

Sirav, they gave him a name. They gave him his own identity. They gave him something he thought had been stripped away so long ago. He was just an identity, a pawn. What was he now? What did he want? Varis was trying to get rid of him. He knew that, he knew what a mistake it would be. He slowly stood, letting the blanket cascade off of him as he looked out the window. His hair disheveled, wet streaks leaving trails on his cheeks as he felt everything at once. Everything he wouldn’t let them see. He was supposed to be nothing but a weapon. He was supposed to be the perfect tool. He was supposed… this was supposed to be nothing. Why did it hurt so?

Ludinus would kill them if he knew. He would make him do it, or make him watch, or a mix of both. He would hang their heads in his room and make him relive it all. He would reanimate their corpses and force them to torture him. He would turn them against each other. So many creative ways, so many things he could just will and it would be done. Sirav’s breath became harder, faster. He clutched the window seal, trying to find air. It came harsh, until finally his legs gave out and he fell to them. Thump. Thump. Thump. His heart rapidly called, like a rapping at the door. Sweat joined his tears as he tried to regain his composure, as he tried to bury it all once again. This wasn’t supposed to be like this. This wasn’t supposed to be. He wasn’t supposed to be anything.

‘Varis. Report.’

He felt his heart stop, his eyes widen. The voice echoed in his mind. The sending stone. Suddenly, he was back there, all over again, back in that cell, feeling those chains. He slowly put a hand over the scar on his right wrist. He wrestled to compose himself.

‘Irenicus stubborn. Working on it. Consortium divided and easy. Pawns working well. Leave it to me.’

He did his best. He left out what he could. He needed to just give enough to not give them suspicion, so they wouldn’t scry. So they wouldn’t see. He took a deep breath and slowly pulled himself up. He would return to the shadows. He would return to being Varis’s boogyman, the nightmare made real. He looked back at the figure still sleeping peacefully in the bed they shared. Guilt pierced his heart. He was being selfish, making Irvan his accomplice so he could work better, yet it stung to draw someone who only wanted to help him into this dark scheme. He forced his way back to the bed, and laid down. He couldn’t help but wrap his arms around Irvan, folding in on him as if he was a raft in the middle of the storming sea. And, for the first time, in the silence of their shared room, in a moment no one else could see, Sirav began to weep.